Category: Uncategorized

Perfectio-not

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As I finished rereading “Many Lives Many Masters”, I felt better.. In addition to the pieces of wisdom I noted throughout the book, I sat down and scribbled concepts that I need to work on, not only in 2018 but in the rest of my life. It went on like this: (un)fairness, trust, perfectionism, forgiveness, anger…

Now when I am encountered with a situation that triggers numerous emotions some of which are in my list, I take a step back (maybe let a little bit of my natural emotion out, there is a leak :P) and try to come up with a reaction which is much more positive.

It is just a few days into 2018 and I am already feeling much better and I can laugh again. I think it was that moment when I told my doctor “I don’t feel happy anymore.” that the decision was made somewhere…… in my body. I don’t know whether it was my heart or mind that wouldn’t accept or my shoulder and arm which were suffering due to nervous pain, my whole body protested against this person who didn’t feel happy and couldn’t laugh anymore.

I didn’t spend days laying in my bed, contemplating. With an unfamiliar wisdom, I started to pinpoint the causes. It was like the dissection assignments in biology classes. While I was thinking about one cause, playing it in my head, more things came attached, but in the core was one and that one I needed to start working on immediately to find my way back to happiness: PERFECTIONISM.

I don’t know what pushes people towards perfectionism, I cannot figure out when I became a perfectionist, but I know that life has become so much more difficult since. Extra stress, extra pressure, postponing things that I like doing because I wasn’t yet so good at them or not being able to move on from something to another because it wasn’t satisfying enough based on my standards..Then, the little I could tick off on my list of many things to do having an image of my efficient, super motivated self who has done so much all at the same time in the past in my mind, the guiltier I felt. I’ve fallen into a black hole. I started liking myself less and less because I couldn’t follow up the things I was passionate about. When I had more free time, how could I be doing much less than in the past? I started to look for an excuse. Perhaps, I used up most of my energy already and maybe I needed to rest? However, I couldn’t just watch movies all weekend or be out with friends every evening. These actions were followed by guilt. I didn’t know how to stop it.

I would either do something giving everything I’ve got or I wouldn’t do it at all. I didn’t know how to be OK with whatever I produce being average in my head. Eventually, my desires to do the things I love burned down and turned into ashes and my mind started to fill up with disapproval of my actions. Maybe when nobody was judging, I’ve been the harshest critics of my work. For instance, my blog, Sturdy Microbes that I started eagerly suffered from my perfectionism. I’ve spent days wanting to write but ending up postponing because I didn’t have hours to spend creating ‘perfect’ posts with all the information I wanted to put in.

My perfectionism has been ruining me little by little over a long period of time.

The old me would spend quite a lot of time to find a perfect ending to this post and perhaps even postpone it. The new me, after noticing the inclination:

🙂

 

Happiness Jar

you look at a photo and think ‘I haven’t seen myself this happy in a while..’
i am following Elizabeth Gilbert‘s recommendation of writing at least one source of happiness per day (although I haven’t bought a jar yet, agenda suffices for now) and it feels amazing to have a few reasons for the day!
i must shortly mention here that I am a postdoc at Institut Pasteur in Paris since 3 weeks, eekk!
 
if your own smile soothes you, I think your heart is happy and that’s one of the signs from the universe assuring you that you are doing something right in somewhere right.. so i am grateful for this photo:
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then there is this guy who makes me feel so blessed on my way to Pasteur in the metro. as you change from RER B to Line 6 in the direction Etoile in Denfert Rochereau, he sits there and plays his harp. i bought his CD this morning despite not even knowing how to ask ‘how much’ in French. He is called Pascal Coulon, I wish I had access to his website too, maybe it is temporarily down, have a look: http://www.pascal-coulon-harpe.fr/
 
I went up 300 narrow steps to see Paris from the Dome of the Basilique du Sacre-Coeur de Montmartre today, and after the breathtaking view,
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i found these guys
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singing next to the basilica. when we got out of the dome they were singing ‘Stand by Me’, then they sang a song the lyrics of which I couldn’t understand, and just when I was about to leave, they started to sing ‘Hallelujah’.. Memories of the University of Nottingham and the A Cappella Soc came rushing in and of course I was singing my lungs out 🙂 🙂
Such a memorable day!

“Inspiration is trying to send me messages in every form it can—through dreams, through portents, through clues, through coincidences, through déjà vu, through kismet, through surprising waves of attraction and reaction, through the chills that run up my arms, through the hair that stands up on the back of my neck, through the pleasure of something new and surprising, through stubborn ideas that keep me awake all night long . . . whatever works. Inspiration is always trying to work with me. So I sit there and I work, too. That’s the deal. I trust it; it trusts me.”
Start reading this book for free: http://amzn.to/2eZFVXy

the annoying part of graduating..

is to lose access to your email account 3 months after you finish your studies without any notice :/ I got 10 days extension after contacting the IT team and since the afternoon I am trying to sync email accounts and go through all the 600 emails that accumulated in my inbox, archive them before I export my emails in a .pst format (no idea if I will have my emails stored properly in Gmail afterwards, but I try. currently down to 465 and my eyes are closing down). I decided to turn this inconvenience into a massive tidying/cleaning of stuff from my computer and bought a 1,5 TB hardrive in addition to my old 500 GB and 160 GB Ipod storage space. I guess no job applications for a few days (hurray!).

As I was deleting some unnecessary photos, I came across a snapshot of my answer to a quiz question and laughed so hard 😀 I am going to put a sketch first for a little justification xD 

clock

You agree right? We’ve had tough lives, and with part-time jobs added to that, imagine the level of tiredness.. With that tiredness in mind, maybe you agree with me when I say that it was okay to write ‘slut’ in my quiz 😀 😀 

 

muhahaha